0.
I still have some time before leaving home, i sit down, thinking about what i should do. I open the laptop, log in wechat, to avoid phone notifications. I see the monk walking across the busy street in HongKong. I pack up my stuffs, change my clothes. Clear off something. Clear off. I eat some nuts. Add something while clearing off, isn’t it funny? Russell sends a message to me, saying have a feelingful day. I remember last night’s opening, people asking me where my piece was. Some of them already have knowledge of my practice. I keep thinking about that, why people cannot see it as I am standing right in front of them.
1.
In the morning, a friend, who will join D+M next semester, kindly reminded me that my bag is leaking. My glass bottle fell apart, broken. On my way home to take a new bottle, am I breaking the bottle or my work? People are having critique, commenting. I somehow enjoy the experience while sweeping the floor. I am not in the center of the group. The accident of life. Is it kind of like a teaser?
2.
The biggest concern is, how far we could believe what we are doing.
I will not use a notebook while reading at the convention center. I want to see how much I can remember. For the reader, it’s the same. But this should matter to myself. If I insist on doing that, I must confess that this writing is based on memory.
3.
[Start 12:20p]
[Start 12:20p]
I asked a friend to document the start moment on the first day. Camera is surrounding me. I feel distracting at first and not sure if it’s a right decision that documenting at this very fresh beginning.
I am still embedding into the space but not living within it. This intentional camera stresses out me. Not the one on the small table.
I forget to put a battery in the clock. I ask my friend to tell me the time.
[Around 1-2p]
Yuanji and Yiyun come. Yuanji sits in front of me. I am trying to eye contact her, yet it might feel a bit uncomfortable to her. Yiyun is playing with the camera at the same time.
Areeha comes with a friend. After a quick look at my statement, she walks directly to the seat and sits down to listen. It is her, I think, when I see her putting both hands into the pocket, leaning on the back of the seat. Her friend is looking at the material table, then coming back and sitting down on the floor next to her. They stay here for about 5 minutes. Areeha holds up my right hand as she is standing up and leaving.
My bare feet start getting cold. I can hardly stand. I wear back my socks.
Falaks comes. She slowly puts off her bag and sits on the chair. I can feel she is looking at me while reading. She spends much more time with the camera on the small table and taking pictures of me and the surroundings.
‘voice like water under the bridge’, i think about it again, to support myself.
[Around 2-3p]
My stare at surroundings and other people may become provocative. I am guessing, also wondering, how could a person simply ignore another living human being right next to them and go directly to a non-animated object? Are they afraid of something? Or I am totally out of their expectation. Expectation of an occasion like this, it is a design school in general, I mean.
A young man with brown curly hair sits in front of me. Listening to me, with sincere care about what I am reading. I am basically reading the ‘swanman’ story during that time. He laughs out at certain points. I have a feeling, I am not worried that he would get bored. Though vaguely. I wonder if a listener is getting into my reading or just pretending. Most of the time, even during the conceiving process, people don’t really care about that - the format weighs more than the content.
He looks at the material table for quite a while, seems like he does think about something. Wants to join this walk? I shall not suppose too much. I do not care about if he would sign or not, as he has already devoted a certain period of time with me. He leaves, without signing, he looks back to me. We exchange smiles. I can feel the constraint of time starts to loosen. Less than a minute, he walks back quickly, almost like a rush, or like someone eventually deciding to do something even if he knew he had nothing to lose. Desperately. I wonder if i could use this word to describe that if i do not over digest his action. If he would come on the last day, would I still remember his face? He might not show up.
Two groups of people are gathering around me for their thesis defense. I consciously lower my voice as we are so close. Two girls in their department’s defense sit in front of me. I wonder if they are listening to the defense or my words. Am I the attractor? Thus, the visualization of the audio file could also be evidence of social manners.
My voice is the speaker itself.
Sometimes I want to be heard so much. I want to let people realize no machine would beyond this human voice here even if it’s at a low volume.
I wonder if people who are having their defenses yet have no choice but to be next to me, would be annoyed or not.
[Around 4p]
I look up. An old lady catches my eyes. We exchange smiles. Perhaps she feels I am a kind person who is monitoring the space, so she asks about a piece and its location. For a moment, I am considering whether I should continue reading or not. I simultaneously point out and respond to her like usual while considering.
Cynthia gently corrects my pronunciation of ‘baptism’.
Her appearance right over crosses the moment I finished the first overall reading. She is shocked with words when realizing I would reverse the reading order. It’s a rare moment that someone randomly sitting in front of me could meet this reversing point. In this sense, I feel it needs to be Cynthia.
Thinking about this space, her expression is so pure and direct, instead of hiding it somewhere.
LA comes as Cynthia is still sitting on the chair. They are walking around, my objects, the surroundings. It is the first time they see me reading for someone else.
Sandor comes after. He sits in front of me for a while, as folks come closer. I hope people this time would not suppose it’s a pre-setting, as I invited Sandor to my last final critique.
[Around 4:30]
Folks come to my place. I start my defense. I may still shift too quickly. I need to slow down and pause more.
The one-on-one relationship transfers into multi-direction as I look up and stare at a group of people. I still feel I am not expressing myself while simply talking through when I am off the performative status.
Mariela uses the camera to take pictures for me.